parody: Hell Seen Softening Stand

Hell Seen Softening Stand
From Our Special Correspondent

Well-informed sources here confirm that President Brush’s recent speech on introducing freedom and democracy to Hell has created considerable apprehension in the lower circles of Inferno. They point out with some relief, nevertheless, that the President did not use the term “axis of evil” in referring to the Lucifer administration.

On the other hand, they admit that Brush’s charge concerning the presence of WMDs in the underworld is no trifling matter. “We determinated this” the President had said, “through unimpeachivious Pentagoon intelligence instead of relying on the CIA this time, so the thing is convertible… incontrovertebral. Well,” he added somewhat testily, “if you don’t know what I mean, I do, and that sufficates. These nerds give me words to read I can’t make out. After just three drinks.”

The Brush address, applauded with warm wing flappings by the audience at the exclusive College for Macaroni Penguins, also faulted Hell for its inefficient coal-fired furnaces. “They are very pollutating, of course starting no later than 3006 we expect them to convert to alternatival sources, but for the present we recommend oil.” I contacted government offices here and was granted an interview without delay. Mr. Lucifer, I may report, was effusively polite. “We want to do our best,” he said, “we are inviting a sales representative of the EXCON company to discuss the furnace conversion business.”

for democracy and freedom,” he told me, “we are amenable to change. We will set up a committee to see if we can adopt the methods used at Guantanamo and Abu Ghraib. And we will give you unlimited time on our TV net for infomercials where doctors can recommend the brand of underpants to wear while your rear end is burning. Since we have eternal fire, they can anticipate steady earnings. Popups, interstitials, phony contests with prizes that will never be awarded, email scams, what have you. Hell’s walls will be plastered over with posters showing our damned souls sitting in boiling cauldrons slurping Coke with delight. There might also be an ad campaign with the theme ‘Roasting in Hell for Fun and Profit.’ All that can be arranged.”

I wondered why all this affability. At length I found an influential Black House demon who under strict anonymity confided in me the following. “The plain truth is, Lucifer and his cabinet are scared out of their wits. It’s not just the prospect of a nuclear attack on us, for which our antiquated defenses are ill prepared. The boss [he meant Satan] is worried that something might happen to Brush or Crumbsfeld or even people like Fat Robberson, Hennitwit, or O’Wily, and they will be sent here! We are holding prayer vigils that the Almighty may grant them long lives.”

Undeterred, I checked back with Mr. Lucifer. Without mentioning the name of my informant, I confronted him with the above assertions. I ascribe it to his frayed nervous state that after a while he broke down and, nearly sobbing, admitted, “Yes, I dread that Brush and his cohorts will eventually wind up here. I with my whole staff will of course take to our heels. But to the rank-and-file devils who remain he is going to declare that Hell is in a state of war, he will have the telephones tapped and spies looking into every bloody nook and cranny. “I can’t say it’s gonna be real hell. It will be a lot worse than that.”

“So much for the future,” Lucifer continued. “Right now, I have been stupid enough to sue for negotiations, and Brush wants to send me Condolneza. I will have to sit down alone with her in a room… holy smoke, the very thought gives me shivers. I never know what to expect from that woman, she smiles, but why does she have such big teeth?”